These past few days have almost been a blur. Being swamped at work is one thing but finding out that my mother has breast cancer is a whole other ball game. Chances are she'll never read this blog and if she does I hope she understands me addressing the situation.
I'm scared as hell. My mom is one of my closest friends and one of the only people I know who is always positive about each and every situation. My mom is simple to please and very easy to love. She might be in her 60's but she still sings and dances around the house like a teenager. I love that about my mom. I love so many things about her I can't even begin to explain how much I look up to her. Not many get the "news" from the doctor and hurry up and head back to work to finish up the day - that right there says so much about her character.
I think about her almost all day now...I hate the waiting for the procedure then the 2 weeks wait to see just how bad it is. I HATE cancer. My mom is a fighter and I plan on being right beside her so we can hopefully soon put it behind her and behind us.
I haven't blogged as I said I would because I've been doing a lot of thinking the past little while. I am trying to figure all this out, my mom, work and everything that is going on with me personally.
I don't want what I'm thinking or feeling to come out in a negative way but the fact of the matter is I've had a lot of crappy things happen to me and I just want to put them behind me so I can - as Ruby puts it - conquer this beast.
Being fat just isn't who I am inside - I know that is a crazy statement considering I've been fat almost my entire life literally. Inside me is an athlete standing at the starting line pumped full of adrenaline just waiting for that gun to go off to just start my life already.
The great thing about the past few weeks - I've kept up with focusing on feeding my mind full of positive information regarding health and fitness. I am in love with Jillian Michael's pod casts and her books. I love people who tell it like it is and Jillian is just that.
I've been very off track with counting calories and proper food choices - I'm not going to lie. I've been down because of the news about my mom and I reverted back to eating things I shouldn't for comfort. I'm realizing more that I just have to admit I have a love / hate or unhealthy relationship with food.
Part of me wants to attend an OEA meeting but I just don't think that's for me but we'll see. I am really starting to realize that over the years I've chosen my food because for the longest time that was really the only thing I could choose in my life without drama.
I am starting to learn how much I love my parents and my family but exactly how much of an unhealthy relationship we all have. If I was to ask my father to go to the track with me all I'd hear is excuses as to why he can't and yet if I was to ask him to grill a burger for me or run and grab the family ice creams he'd be right there and happy to do it.
My family over the years has associated food with love and I am learning now that it is slowly killing us all. One thing I've learned from Jillian's pod casts is that as much as I would love to build a new kind of love relationship with my parents I don't think they are going to change. They are who they are and they are set in their ways and I have to be okay with it.
I've decided that the best thing I can do is live the healthy life I really truly want to live and in turn set the best example I can for them. Perhaps in time they will see how much my life changes in a positive way and they too will want to jump on the healthy train with me. Regardless of if they do or do not change I will still love them with all my heart.
I know this posting is more of a serious one but I think this is what I need right now. I think this is all part of the process of accepting who I am and what I need to really be successful at my journey.
On a lighter note, I met a good friend for dinner. She is one of those perfect, barbie types - blond hair, tanned, perfect smile...yeah one of those girls. But really, what I love about her most is that she is always positive and ready to laugh and people are instantly drawn to her not only because she is attractive but she really is a great person to be around. We had lots to catch up on - some good and some more challenging stuff to share with each other. She is someone I trust and I know I can open up to.
I really had a moment of growth tonight. As we were sharing I told her I once read that if you want to be thinner and healthier, find thinner and healthier people to associate with and observe and inquire about their habits. Look to them as examples and or role models. So tonight I began to ask and I reached out to her and asked her if she would be able to dedicate one night a week where we could go for a walk together and she promptly said - SURE! why had I waited all this time to ask her? I thought I was going to hear excuses as I am used to. Lisa Healthy habit #1 (many more to come I'm sure) - she isn't really full of excuses why not to workout.
Thanks Lisa, you made my night.
