The Self Talk Game

After snoozing the alarm twice this morning I quickly realized it was Wednesday and on Wednesday nights I Stand Up Paddle Board with a group of ladies. I have no time to waste on Wednesday mornings because I need to get my 10’ board from the garage strapped onto my car. I’m feeling a bit off this morning and the first I said to myself after I realized it was Wednesday was – “Angelina, who do you think you are – seriously? Paddle Boarding….and seriously Angelina – you signed up to run your first 5k in October? You joined Crossfit? Who is this person? You aren’t that person Angelina – you don’t exercise to that extent, you aren’t cool enough to be Paddle Boarding like some California chic and you certainly don’t run!”

Now usually when I have these kinds of negative discussions with myself they linger and a lot of the time they determine what kind of day I am going to have but not today. I now know its not about who do I think I am to do this activities – its who do I think I am NOT to participate in these activities.

The trouble is I’ve been rejected a lot in life which has affected me personally to some degree. Friendships, Relationships, jobs, certain things I’ve tried out for – all telling me basically I wasn’t good enough. The last few years I’ve done a lot of reflecting on where I’ve gone wrong in life for people to treat me the way they have. I’ve often referred to it as being like a tissue – someone needs me for a moment, so glad they have me but once they are done using me they discard me because my job is over. No questions, no regrets on how it would affect me and just a simple – I’m done. My most recent breakup was very much like that. For him there was no issues and no regrets ending things through a simple txt – we’re done. Clearly we weren’t on the same page with how we felt about each other. I often wonder if he knew how much that hurt me if he would have handled himself in the same manner. Who knows…

Anyhow, my point with all this is that perhaps people have treated me this way my entire life because “I” have never made myself  a priority in life. As a child I was told, be respectful to all, speak when you are spoken to and that I was to be the peace maker in the house. These are all things that taught me to be a respectful caring person in life but I think they were taken to such an extreme that somewhere along the line my mindset told me as long as everyone around me was happy only then can I be happy. Now as a grown adult how has that philosophy served me? Not very well…

I read a quote that said “You are what you eat, so don’t be fast, cheap, easy or fake” – maybe that’s how I’ve always treated myself and not just from a diet perspective but in general. Have I just always treated myself like I was second best and that’s why people have treated me that way? Coming to this realization has been a real game changer for me. As much as I thought I really loved myself and who I am as a person – clearly I haven’t and that needs to change right now.

This journey I’m on is a marathon not a sprint. There will be bumps in the road, hills to climb and there will be times I hit the famous “wall” runners speak of and I am okay with that because no matter what I know will just keep moving forward. I will move forward because I am a good person and I am worthy of a long, happy, healthy life. I know it won’t be easy – but it will be so worth it!

 

It all starts with me and I’m ready.